COLORFUL EMOTIONS

My baby is growing up, and while I have always known that this will happen and have been watching it happen since he was born, it is now really affecting me emotionally.  I don’t know if it has to do with my ectopic pregnancy in November and my yearning for another baby since then, or if I just want him to stay little forever, but it started as he neared his second birthday.  I realized then, that it just seemed like he turned one about a month ago.  It seems like he just started walking a week ago, although it has also been a year.  He is doing wonderful things that make my heart both smile and cry at the same time, like talking and doing things for himself now.  I never knew what it was like to feel this way until I had a baby, though I have heard people talking of these emotions before.  Yet now, they are who I am…not just emotions, but feelings and experiences that helped mold me into the mother I am right now…good or bad.

Every single day I am worried about how I am raising Jonathan.  I don’t want to be too harsh and pushy, yet I don’t want to spoil him and be too lax either.  I want him to be independent, but love it when he depends on me.  It seems there is a very fine line to deal with here, and I want to do it perfectly…for him to grow to be the best man he could ever be.  He has developed emotions, like a total compassion for animals.  While he still likes to chase the cats around sometimes, there is nothing like watching your son walk up to his kitty and give him a hug and kiss.  If someone is upset or crying, you can see the concern in his face and he will go up to the person and give them a kiss or hug.  He is also very silly, and loves to make people laugh.  Once he sees that something he has done has made you laugh, or made you happy…he will do that same thing over and over and over again.  He is happy, and wants everyone else to be happy.  But, there are times when he is upset…quite upset.  I think the terrible two’s are arriving because sometimes there isn’t anything you can do to make him happy.  And, I think that his inability to tell us everything he wants to tell us, or our inability to recognize what he is trying to say just makes it worse.  Just last night, he kept saying the same thing over and over again when he was upset, and we can’t figure out what it is that he is trying to tell us.  This HAS to be more frustrating to him than it is to us.  What FINALLY got him to settle down last night was giving him three M&M’s because we thought maybe he was trying to say “candy”, and I know that needs to stop.  If we hush him with candy or food all the time, he will grow up thinking that every time he is upset he needs to eat…kind of like his Mommy.  Or, he will learn that all he has to do to get candy is throw a fit…won’t that be fun to deal with at the check-out line of the grocery store? 

This past weekend, the potty chair made it’s grand appearance into our home.  I had actually purchased it when he was 18 months old so it would be ready when he was.  We decided to get it out and let him get used to sitting on it.  He does, and likes to because of the applause he receives, but he has also been attempting to stand in it.  I believe he is ready to start with the potty training process.  Just a few weeks ago he pointed to a toilet in one of his books and said “poo poo”, and he knows what “poo poo” is.  He hasn’t started telling us when he has gone yet, but I know he knows.  A lady I work with has a six year old son, and a little girl that is a few months younger than Jonathan.  We were talking a little while back and I told her that Jonathan hasn’t even started potty training yet.  She went off!  “What?  You haven’t even STARTED potty training him yet?  Oh my gosh!  Taven (her son) was potty trained by the time he was two and Chloe has been training for months”.  That didn’t go over well with me at all, and I said sarcastically “Well, I guess Jonathan isn’t as wonderful as your son!” and I went on to tell her that he hasn’t shown me that he is ready yet.  One thing I have both heard and read, is that you shouldn’t push, or even start potty training, until they show they are ready.  At Jonathan’s two year check-up last week, I told the doctor all of this and he said that Jonathan is NOT delayed at all in potty training and that some don’t show readiness until they are nearly three years old.  He also said that the biggest mistake parents make is pushing their children into it too soon and scarring their children as a result.  He said that many mothers look at it as a competition, so they can be able to tell everyone that their child was potty trained early.  While it would be nice to be able to say Jonathan is potty trained already, it isn’t near worth it to me to force that to happen and possibly scar him in some way just to have that privilege.  Anyhow, probably next weekend Jonathan will be running around without any pants on and we will constantly be asking him if he has to use the potty and go “pee pee” or “poo poo”.  If he doesn’t catch on to it, I will be putting the chair away and we will try it again in a month.  I will NOT push him.  He will do it when he is good and ready.  No need to give him a complex or something just because he isn’t ready, and there is no reason to stress myself out trying to get him to do it before he is either.

While Jonathan and life in general have pretty much taken up most of my free time, I have taken some time to start trying to draw in color.  That is HARD, and there is a lot I still need to learn.  My mom got me a bunch of color pencils and books on drawing in color for Christmas, and I couldn’t wait to use them.  However, it is starting to get hard to keep from getting discouraged with.  My will to get it right, though, supersedes my will to give in to my frustrations and give up.  I am determined to use my frustrations in a positive manner and defeat the color demons.  I just need to realize that it will take some time, and patience is not a strong quality in me.  Below, you will see the two portraits I have done so far.

евтини мебели

My first drawing was of Joe and Chelsea’s (my sister) sweet and beautiful Siberian Husky, Buddy

My second drawing was of my Mom and Bruce’s handsome and loveable Australian Shepherd, Eli

I think I have ranted enough in this entry.  I just had some things I needed to get out there on paper…some venting, and I am hoping for some advice.  Experienced moms welcome!

Angie